14.3 Góa ê bo̍k-tek sī éng-oán ko͘-to̍k seng-oa̍h
[Marcela kè-sio̍k kóng:]
"Lēng-gōa, lín tio̍h ē-kì-tit, góa ê súi m̄-sī góa ka-tī soán ê, in-ūi, m̄-koán án-chóaⁿ, he sī Thiⁿ-kong sàng hō͘ góa, m̄-sī góa ê iau-kiû a̍h soán-te̍k. To̍k-chôa, sui-bóng kā-sí lâng, lán bē-sái in-ūi i ū-to̍k chek-pī i, in-ūi he sī thian-seng ê. Kāng-khoán, góa ê súi mā bô eng-kai siū chek-pī, in-ūi toan-chong cha-bó͘ ê súi tō ná-chhiūⁿ hn̄g-hn̄g ê hóe a̍h lāi-kiàm. Chí-iàu mài óa-kīn i, i bē sio lâng, bē thâi lâng. Êng-ū kap phín-tek sī sim-lêng ê chng-thāⁿ, nā bô he, m̄-koán sin-thé gōa súi, lóng bô sǹg súi. Tān, ká-sú toan-chong sī chi̍t-chióng bí-tek, hō͘ sim-lêng kap sin-thé iu-ngá koh bê-lâng, sī án-chóaⁿ in-ūi bí-lē siū lâng ài-bō͘ ê yi tio̍h hòng-khì toan-chong, khì bóan-chiok ūi-tio̍h chū-sin khoài-lo̍k piàⁿ-miā boeh kā he toa̍t-cháu ê lâng?
Góa chū chhut-sì tō chū-iû, ūi-tio̍h chū-iû, góa soán-te̍k ko͘-to̍k seng-oa̍h tī iá-gōa. Tī soaⁿ-khu ê chhiū-nâ, góa ū góa ê phōaⁿ, têng-chheng ê khe-chúi sī góa ê kiàⁿ, góa hiòng chhiū-á kap khe-chúi piáu-hiān góa ê su-sióng kap bī-le̍k. Góa sī hn̄g-hn̄g ê hóe, sī khǹg-lo̍h ê kiàm. Hiah-ê in-ūi khòaⁿ-tio̍h góa sán-seng ài-ì ê lâng, góa kō͘ giân-gí hō͘ in kak-chhéⁿ, mài koh tùi góa kià hi-bāng -- che góa bô hō͘ Chrysostom a̍h jīm-hô pa̍t-lâng. Só͘-tì, nā kóng bó͘-lâng ê sí sī góa chō-sêng ê, án-ne bô kong-pêng, in-ūi he sī i ka-tī ê kò͘-chip, m̄-sī góa ê chân-jím hāi-sí i. Nā khián-chek góa, kóng i ê kî-bōng chin khó-kùi, só͘-tì góa tio̍h tah-èng i, góa án-ne lâi kái-tap: tī chit-ê taⁿ sī i ê bōng ê só͘-chāi, i hiòng góa piáu-sī i ê sûn-kiat bo̍k-tek ê sî, góa kā i kóng, góa ê bo̍k-tek sī éng-oán ko͘-tok seng-oa̍h, kan-ta thó͘-tē ē-tit hiáng-siū góa ún-ki ê kóe-chí kap góa ê súi ê hó-chhù. Ká-sú, tī chit-chióng kong-khai ê piáu-pe̍k í-āu, i iáu kian-chhî ûi-pōe hi-bāng, boeh ge̍k-hong kiâⁿ, i tîm-lûn tī chhi-chêng ê chhim-ian, che ná ū siáⁿ kî-koài ah?
"Góa nā kó͘-lē i, he tō m̄-sī chin-sim; góa nā boán-chiok i, he tō ûi-pōe góa ka-tī khah hó ê koat-sim kap bo̍k-tek. I kò͘-chip bô-thiaⁿ kéng-kò, i choa̍t-bōng, m̄-sī in-ūi siū oàn-hūn. Lín taⁿ siūⁿ khòaⁿ-māi, kā i ê thòng-khó͘ koài-chōe tī góa, kám ha̍p-lí? Pī phiàn ê lâng ē-sái bâi-oàn, pī kó͘-lē ê hi-bāng lo̍h-khang ê lâng ē-sái choa̍t-bōng, góa kā ín-iú ê lâng ē-sái ka-tī o-ló, góa só͘ chiap-la̍p ê lâng ē-sái chū-khoa. M̄-koh, góa bô ín-chún, bô khi-phiàn, bô ín-iú, mā bô chiap-la̍p ê lâng, bē-sái kóng góa chân-jím, kóng góa hāi-sí lâng. Kàu kah taⁿ, Thiⁿ-kong iáu bô hō͘ góa ài-tio̍h siáng, kî-bōng góa soán lâng khì ài koh-khah sī bô-hāu.
"Tān-goān góa chit-ê seng-bêng hō͘ múi chi̍t-ê tui-kiû chiá chheng-chhó, liáu-kái ùi taⁿ khai-sí, nā ū-lâng ūi góa lâi sí, he m̄-sī in-ūi oàn-tò͘ a̍h khó-liân, in-ūi bô teh ài ê cha-bó͘ bē oàn-tò͘, á thán-pe̍k bē-sái kóng-chò biáu-sī. Kóng góa sī iá-siù, chôa-iau ê lâng, tō tòng góa chò ū-to̍k, siâ-ok ê mi̍h, mài lâi kāng góa. Kóng góa bô-chêng bô-gī ê lâng, tō mài lâi ho̍k-bū góa. Kóng góa léng-khok ê lâng, mài lâi kap góa sio-bat. Kóng góa chân-jím ê lâng, tō mài lâi tui-kiû góa. In-ūi chit-ê iá-siù, chôa-iau, bô-chêng bô-gī, chân-jím, léng-khok ê lú-chú, bô ì-sù boeh chhōe, ho̍k-bū, kau-pôe, a̍h tui-kiû jīm-hô lâng.
"Ká-sú Chrysostom ê tio̍h-kip kap kiông-lia̍t kek-chêng hāi-sí i, sī án-chóaⁿ góa ê toan-chong kap sīn-tiōng siū-tio̍h chí-chek? Ká-sú góa pó-siú ka-tī ê sûn-kiat tī chhiū-nâ, iau-kiû góa tī cha-po͘ lâng tiong-kan pó-chhî sûn-kiat ê lâng, sī án-chóaⁿ boeh hō͘ góa sit-khì he? Lín lóng chai, góa ū ka-tī ê châi-hù, góa bē siàu-siūⁿ pa̍t-lâng ê. Góa kah-ì chū-iû, bô-ài siū sok-pa̍k. Góa bô ài, mā bô hūn jīm-hô lâng. Góa bô khi-phiàn siáng, mā bô tui-kiû siáng, koh-khah bē hí-lāng a̍h chok-lōng lâng. Kap chng-kha khòaⁿ-iûⁿ cha-bó͘ ê toan-chong kau-tâm kap chiàu-kò͘ iûⁿ-á sī góa ê gô͘-lo̍k. Góa ê io̍k-bōng hān tī chit-ê soaⁿ-khu, nā bat ū jīm-hô chhiau-kòe, he sī in-ūi boeh him-sióng thiⁿ-téng ê bí-lē, hia sī lêng-hûn lí-hêng khì i goân-pún ki-tē ê lâu-thui."
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14.3 我 ê 目的是永遠孤獨生活
[Marcela 繼續講:]
"另外, 恁 tio̍h 會記得, 我 ê 媠毋是我 ka-tī 選 ê, 因為, 毋管按怎, he 是天公送 hō͘ 我, 毋是我 ê 要求 a̍h 選擇. 毒蛇, 雖罔咬死人, 咱 bē-sái 因為伊有毒責備伊, 因為 he 是天生 ê. 仝款, 我 ê 媠 mā 無應該受責備, 因為端莊查某 ê 媠 tō ná 像遠遠 ê 火 a̍h 利劍. 只要莫倚近伊, 伊袂燒人, 袂刣人. 榮譽 kap 品德是心靈 ê chng-thāⁿ, 若無 he, 毋管身體 gōa 媠, lóng 無算媠. 但, 假使端莊是一種美德, hō͘ 心靈 kap 身體優雅 koh 迷人, 是按怎因為美麗受人愛慕 ê 她 tio̍h 放棄端莊, 去滿足為著自身快樂拚命欲 kā he 奪走 ê 人?
我自出世 tō 自由, 為著自由, 我選擇孤獨生活 tī 野外. Tī 山區 ê 樹林, 我有我 ê 伴, 澄清 ê 溪水是我 ê 鏡, 我向樹仔 kap 溪水表現我 ê 思想 kap 魅力. 我是遠遠 ê 火, 是囥落 ê 劍. Hiah-ê 因為看著我產生愛意 ê 人, 我 kō͘ 言語 hō͘ in 覺醒, 莫 koh tùi 我寄任何希望 -- che 我無 hō͘ Chrysostom a̍h 任何別人. 所致, 若講某人 ê 死是我造成 ê, án-ne 無公平, 因為 he 是伊 ka-tī ê 固執, 毋是我 ê 殘忍害死伊. 若譴責我, 講伊 ê 期望真可貴, 所致我 tio̍h 答應伊, 我 án-ne 來解答: tī 這个今是伊 ê 墓 ê 所在, 伊向我表示伊 ê 純潔目的 ê 時, 我 kā 伊講, 我 ê 目的是永遠孤獨生活, kan-ta 土地 ē-tit 享受我隱居 ê 果子 kap 我 ê 媠 ê 好處. 假使, tī 這種公開 ê 表白以後, 伊猶堅持違背希望, 欲逆風行, 伊沉淪 tī 癡情 ê 深淵, che 那有啥奇怪 ah?
"我若鼓勵伊, he tō 毋是真心; 我若滿足伊, he tō 違背我 ka-tī 較好 ê 決心 kap 目的. 伊固執無聽警告, 伊絕望, 毋是因為受怨恨. 恁今想看覓, kā 伊 ê 痛苦怪罪 tī 我, kám 合理? 被騙 ê 人 ē-sái 埋怨, 被鼓勵 ê 希望落空 ê 人 ē-sái 絕望, 我 kā 引誘 ê 人 ē-sái ka-tī o-ló, 我所接納 ê 人 ē-sái 自誇. M̄-koh, 我無允准, 無欺騙, 無引誘, mā 無接納 ê 人, bē-sái 講我殘忍, 講我害死人. 到 kah 今, 天公猶無 hō͘ 我愛著 siáng, 期望我選人去愛 koh-khah 是無效.
"但願我這个聲明 hō͘ 每一个追求者清楚, 了解 ùi 今開始, 若有人為我來死, he 毋是因為怨妒 a̍h 可憐, 因為無 teh 愛 ê 查某袂怨妒, á 坦白 bē-sái 講做藐視. 講我是野獸, 蛇妖 ê 人, tō tòng 我做有毒, 邪惡 ê mi̍h, 莫來 kāng 我. 講我無情無義 ê 人, tō 莫來服務我. 講我冷酷 ê 人, 莫來 kap 我 sio-bat. 講我殘忍 ê 人, tō 莫來追求我. 因為這个野獸, 蛇妖, 無情無義, 殘忍, 冷酷 ê 女子, 無意思欲揣, 服務, 交陪, a̍h 追求任何人.
"假使 Chrysostom ê 著急 kap 強烈激情害死伊, 是按怎我 ê 端莊 kap 慎重受著指責? 假使我保守 ka-tī ê 純潔 tī 樹林, 要求我 tī 查埔人中間保持純潔 ê 人, 是按怎欲 hō͘ 我失去 he? 恁 lóng 知, 我有 ka-tī ê 財富, 我袂數想別人 ê. 我佮意自由, 無愛受束縛. 我無愛, mā 無恨任何人. 我無欺騙 siáng, mā 無追求 siáng, koh-khah 袂戲弄 a̍h 作弄人. Kap 庄跤看羊查某 ê 端莊交談 kap 照顧羊仔是我 ê 娛樂. 我 ê 慾望限 tī 這个山區, 若 bat 有任何超過, he 是因為欲欣賞天頂 ê 美麗, hia 是靈魂旅行去伊原本基地 ê 樓梯."
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14.3
Moreover, you must remember that the beauty I possess was no choice of mine, for, be it what it may, Heaven of its bounty gave it me without my asking or choosing it; and as the viper, though it kills with it, does not deserve to be blamed for the poison it carries, as it is a gift of nature, neither do I deserve reproach for being beautiful; for beauty in a modest woman is like fire at a distance or a sharp sword; the one does not burn, the other does not cut, those who do not come too near. Honour and virtue are the ornaments of the mind, without which the body, though it be so, has no right to pass for beautiful; but if modesty is one of the virtues that specially lend a grace and charm to mind and body, why should she who is loved for her beauty part with it to gratify one who for his pleasure alone strives with all his might and energy to rob her of it? /
I was born free, and that I might live in freedom I chose the solitude of the fields; in the trees of the mountains I find society, the clear waters of the brooks are my mirrors, and to the trees and waters I make known my thoughts and charms. I am a fire afar off, a sword laid aside. Those whom I have inspired with love by letting them see me, I have by words undeceived, and if their longings live on hope—and I have given none to Chrysostom or to any other—it cannot justly be said that the death of any is my doing, for it was rather his own obstinacy than my cruelty that killed him; and if it be made a charge against me that his wishes were honourable, and that therefore I was bound to yield to them, I answer that when on this very spot where now his grave is made he declared to me his purity of purpose, I told him that mine was to live in perpetual solitude, and that the earth alone should enjoy the fruits of my retirement and the spoils of my beauty; and if, after this open avowal, he chose to persist against hope and steer against the wind, what wonder is it that he should sink in the depths of his infatuation? /
If I had encouraged him, I should be false; if I had gratified him, I should have acted against my own better resolution and purpose. He was persistent in spite of warning, he despaired without being hated. Bethink you now if it be reasonable that his suffering should be laid to my charge. Let him who has been deceived complain, let him give way to despair whose encouraged hopes have proved vain, let him flatter himself whom I shall entice, let him boast whom I shall receive; but let not him call me cruel or homicide to whom I make no promise, upon whom I practise no deception, whom I neither entice nor receive. It has not been so far the will of Heaven that I should love by fate, and to expect me to love by choice is idle. /
Let this general declaration serve for each of my suitors on his own account, and let it be understood from this time forth that if anyone dies for me it is not of jealousy or misery he dies, for she who loves no one can give no cause for jealousy to any, and candour is not to be confounded with scorn. Let him who calls me wild beast and basilisk, leave me alone as something noxious and evil; let him who calls me ungrateful, withhold his service; who calls me wayward, seek not my acquaintance; who calls me cruel, pursue me not; for this wild beast, this basilisk, this ungrateful, cruel, wayward being has no kind of desire to seek, serve, know, or follow them. /
If Chrysostom’s impatience and violent passion killed him, why should my modest behaviour and circumspection be blamed? If I preserve my purity in the society of the trees, why should he who would have me preserve it among men, seek to rob me of it? I have, as you know, wealth of my own, and I covet not that of others; my taste is for freedom, and I have no relish for constraint; I neither love nor hate anyone; I do not deceive this one or court that, or trifle with one or play with another. The modest converse of the shepherd girls of these hamlets and the care of my goats are my recreations; my desires are bounded by these mountains, and if they ever wander hence it is to contemplate the beauty of the heavens, steps by which the soul travels to its primeval abode.”
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